A mom who likes to live outside the norm

God definitely changes your writing plans.

After a few months of crazy schedules and minimal writing, I had a growing list of topics I was going to blog about.  I have some wonderful topics I want to write about, I had started scheduling when I wanted to write, ideas for research, etc.  And then these last few days happened and that all went out the window.

For background, last week had a lot of special events and such which made it really easy to slip up in what I ate and drank.  I did fairly well in controlling the splurges, but then with some major stress this weekend, I drank a ton of soda (and it’s been a year since I’ve had any).  So the mild depression which I’ve dealt with for years but have managed well through diet and exercise came on strong, along with all kinds of additional stressors.

Our church is dealing with some events that haven’t been handled well.  Hopefully what was brought to light will awaken more brotherhood and a put a stop to dissension.  General prayer is appreciated there.

There are little personal things that have been building that I’ve been trying to deal with, and that my husband has been great about trying to address for me.  But that area doesn’t seem to be going well and I’ve been trying to gain wisdom in how to handle it.

So these two areas, which normally wouldn’t have been too bad, were pretty escalated for me along with goofy family stuff this weekend due to my depression and anxiety rearing it’s angry head.  What made it worse, was before leaving my house Monday morning I checked my email and received a message letting me know about something that was said about a dress I wore to church (which I felt was modest and my husband has had no issues with me wearing).  On my drive I had a very tearful conversation with my husband.  I thought I was doing a good job being discreet during the conversation with my kids in the car (though I of course was crying), but when it was over my sweet daughter was so worried that someone said something that was not nice about me.

Thankfully I have a good friend who let me come over that afternoon and talk it all out.  She helped put things into perspective.  When I got home later, I was so emotionally exhausted.  My wonderful husband let me take a rest and took care of the kids, and when another friend texted me, he encouraged me to spend some time with her.

And then the bombshell hit.  My dad vaguely mentioned over the weekend that my grandpa (his dad) was having surgery.  Well, my dad called me to say that I needed to either call or visit my grandpa, because he was going to have some pretty serious surgery the next day.  So of course, I started crying again.

After dinner, I headed out to my friend’s house and called my grandpa on the way. Basically, my grandpa has not been able to eat since Christmas.  He’s been on a liquid diet for around 6 weeks.  It was discovered that his internal organs are jumbled somehow, and his stomach is up in his ribs.  He’s lost 20 pounds since Christmas, and my once vibrant and active grandfather is now below 100 pounds. His doctor was clear that he will not last long without this surgery, but he has 2 strikes against him with his advanced age and his physical weakness.  My grandpa is tired and weak, and has lost many friends over the last few years, another one yesterday morning.  He feels like he’s one of the last ones left, but is also worried about my grandma being alone.  But he’s at peace with whatever happens.  And he made sure to tell me that he loved me.

This whole conversation happened as light hearted as we could make it, but we were both working hard to keep it together.  I totally lost it when I hung up the phone.  I arrived at my friend’s house in tears.  Her sweet little boy was so concerned for me and gave me a wonderful hug.

She let me just talk it all out.  She gave me some wonderful advice and encouraged me.  Her little boy gave me another great hug.

And then I found out this morning that my maternal grandma, who deals with some severe mental illness, is in a downward spiral.  She does not want to take her medication, is arguing with family, doesn’t really want help, and is giving my grandpa a VERY hard time.  I love my grandma and am trying to figure out what to do.  I’ve noticed that I’m one of the few people that she’ll open up and talk to, but I’m not sure I’m emotionally able to have this kind of conversation right now.  Plus it’s just really hard to see someone you love like this.

So pray for me.  Pray for my (paternal) grandpa. Pray for my (maternal) grandma. Pray for all sides of my family.  Pray for my church.  Thank God for good friends. Be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.  Hug your kids.  Hug your friends.  Give any grandparents you have a huge hug and let them know you love them.

Our God is in control.  I’m using all this as a sign that I need to rely on Him more, that He wants to draw me to Himself, and that Satan doesn’t like it when things go well, but God can use it for our good.  I had such a good week last week.

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4 thoughts on “God definitely changes your writing plans.

  1. Rachel Moore on said:

    I am praying for you Sarah if you need anything let me know

  2. Oh Sarah, my heart is aching for you and I have tears in my eyes right now. I’m so sorry this is all hitting you at once. It’s hard to stay positive anyway, but add everything you’re going through, plus a hearty side of depression, and no wonder you’re having a hard time holding it together. My advice? And I’ll be taking another big dose of it very soon, is to cry it out. Just let yourself grieve for everything that’s happening around you. One of those things would be enough. It’s ok to not hold it together all the time. Last week, I found myself literally wailing and tearing at my hair while Heath just held me. It was like a floodgate. I have never cried like that in my life.

    I’m so scared that I’m going to lose my dad in the next couple of weeks. I don’t even know what to do with myself lately. I’ve been making lotion bars like crazy today because I can’t think about that appointment we’ve got tomorrow with the doctor who may be heading up my dad’s surgery.

    I definitely do understand how you’re feeling. I don’t say that lightly and I want you to know that you can feel free to call me anytime, day or night, and we will have a good cry together, over the phone if need be. You and your grandparents are in my thoughts and prayers today and in the days to come, as well as everything going on at church. It’s all so very much, isn’t it? {{{{hugs}}}}

    • I’m definitely trying to view all this as God trying to pull me back to fully relying on Him, because I don’t want to think about the other options. With the things at church, I’m trying to focus on my heart and what I do with it, though it’s really hard to not blame, criticize or gossip.
      And yes, I think we both fully understand what the other is going through with a very close family member coming way too close to going home. Being homeschooled, I spent so much time with all my grandparents, they’re like secondary parents, especially this grandpa and this grandma. I think harder than the possibility of saying goodbye is seeing them in this condition that is so hard on them physically and/or mentally and picturing them from memories as a child.

  3. Pingback: I’m going to let you into my head a little bit | UnorthadoxMomma

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